anon25136 says,
My first love story...one that ended not too long ago...approximately 3 months ago.
Im a high school senior, and my family is quite dysfuncational. My stepdad is abusive and from the day that they were married (its been about 7 years now), I don't know how to love nor am I ever shown the example of how to love. I'm constantly crying and hurt.
I always knew my family experience would hinder me from having a good relationship, but I never fully understood until now.
My ex and I were together for over a year. When him and I first started dating in the middle of my junior year.. I kept a good distance. Just because I always have so much going on (i'm the school known over-achiever). And naturally I had to be safe because I knew well of how damaging love can be.
But I've always dreamt of having prince charming coming to save the day and take me away from this place.
We talked on the phone everynight and I would wait the entire day just to hear his voice. And I woud watch the clock minute by minute till the class ends and I get to see him. Over the summer he would come down to my workplace and eat lunch with me everyday. I would get a good morning text to wake up to. We would go swimming, since I can't swim he would carry me bridal style in the pool. we would kiss and he would give me piggy back rides.
He was my first kiss. And it got to a point where we got pretty physical. I went to all of his family events and his family was like my family. His sister and I were pratically best friends.
Little by little he broke down all the walls. And little by little he moved up on my priority list. My family and I fought serveral times over the boyfriend issue, the felt the time I spent on him I could have spent on more productive things. But I told them he was different., I told them that we loved each other. He promised me forever, said we'd always be together, said he'd never let go. He said I was his princess and he will one day come and save me. We made plans about our house and kids. We even named our kids.
I spent every waking moment thinking about him. And whenever the painful fights in my family start I would think of how I still have him....and that just made everything okay.
Before I knew it, I was head over heels in love with him. I would have literally died for him in a heart beat. I would have given an arm up for him. He was what my world revolved around. And he told me I was his only.
But I didn't know how to love. It seemed that the more I loved him the more posessive I became. I was scared that he would slip away. He no longer showed that he cared about me. The last 4 months were of nothing but me wanting him to show that he loves me but him doing it only when I asked him to. But the more he backs away the more I wanted him back. Adding on to other things that were happening between us two that made me all the more irratable. He no longer wanted to do anything for me. He no longer made plans. But still he said he loved me. So I kept loving him...depending on him. I kept searching for the signs that he still cared. and whenever he does I would yell at him... the way that my parents yelled at each other. But I never did it out of meaness, I just wanted to know why he no longer cared. I guess I just didn't understand how to love someone the right way.
In a way I broke my own heart.
A little bit after our anniversary, drama started. He began hanging out a lot with this other girl who was having problems with her boyfriend. they smoked pot together.
I was angry, because we both knew smoking weed was againist our beliefs. So I went to talk to the girl and no longer involving him in any more weed parties. I was respecful as I have been taught to be and how I've always been. But the girl went and told him that I made a big scene and was being a bitch towards her. He got really angry with me for it, and no matter how much I told him I didn't disrepectful her and everyone can wittness to that, he wouldn't believe me. at that time i didnt think much of it because i trusted him.
Her and my ex's sister also planned operation break up me and my ex.
trying to save our relationship I called his sister to apologize, i didnt even know what for but I knew we couldn't be togther unless his sister was no longer mad at me.
fine...he broke up with me....over the phone....on a saturday night. Just to find out 2 weeks later him and the new girl are together. go figure right?
No...my agony didn't end there.
The new girl proceeded to complain about me to every single person who has ever came in contact with me. about how I need to get over it. about how I need to move on with my life. how i was weak and pathetic. about how I was "following them" because I'm around too ofte. well, I'm sorry that we have the same classes.
about how she felt sorry for me because he told her I lived "in a bad family environment"
she talked about how he said she was so much nicer than me. talked about my breakup story to everybody in the world because "people were looking at her like a bad person because they went out so soon after we broke up"
once again my volnurability and weakness and heart break was open for the world to discuss. point fingers, make judgement calls. and all of a sudden my family secrets kept were revealed to the entire world to discuss.
I can't even tell you how absolutely hurt I was. I've been hurt a lot in my life. I've been molested, abandoned, abused. But no hurt, nothing hurt me as deep as my ex did. My dream was completely crushed. Guess my prince changed his mind. This pain , the ache is eating me from the inside out even to this very day....as I see them kiss and cuddle everyday in class. I even hear about their sex life and their prom plans because...just so happens...his gf likes to talk about alot, everyday, all the time.
I regret the mistakes I've made and I would give my life to be able to go back and change things. To have treated the situation better. but i can't. and it hurts.
I don't think I want to be in another relationship. I can't trust myself. What if I become like my parents??? I have so much love to give but I was never taught how to love. I find myself incapable of opening up and expressing emotions now. Everything is all bottled up and drowned out in school work again. Maybe one day a guy will be patient and love me enough to catch me when I fall. But probably not.
Im a high school senior, and my family is quite dysfuncational. My stepdad is abusive and from the day that they were married (its been about 7 years now), I don't know how to love nor am I ever shown the example of how to love. I'm constantly crying and hurt.
I always knew my family experience would hinder me from having a good relationship, but I never fully understood until now.
My ex and I were together for over a year. When him and I first started dating in the middle of my junior year.. I kept a good distance. Just because I always have so much going on (i'm the school known over-achiever). And naturally I had to be safe because I knew well of how damaging love can be.
But I've always dreamt of having prince charming coming to save the day and take me away from this place.
We talked on the phone everynight and I would wait the entire day just to hear his voice. And I woud watch the clock minute by minute till the class ends and I get to see him. Over the summer he would come down to my workplace and eat lunch with me everyday. I would get a good morning text to wake up to. We would go swimming, since I can't swim he would carry me bridal style in the pool. we would kiss and he would give me piggy back rides.
He was my first kiss. And it got to a point where we got pretty physical. I went to all of his family events and his family was like my family. His sister and I were pratically best friends.
Little by little he broke down all the walls. And little by little he moved up on my priority list. My family and I fought serveral times over the boyfriend issue, the felt the time I spent on him I could have spent on more productive things. But I told them he was different., I told them that we loved each other. He promised me forever, said we'd always be together, said he'd never let go. He said I was his princess and he will one day come and save me. We made plans about our house and kids. We even named our kids.
I spent every waking moment thinking about him. And whenever the painful fights in my family start I would think of how I still have him....and that just made everything okay.
Before I knew it, I was head over heels in love with him. I would have literally died for him in a heart beat. I would have given an arm up for him. He was what my world revolved around. And he told me I was his only.
But I didn't know how to love. It seemed that the more I loved him the more posessive I became. I was scared that he would slip away. He no longer showed that he cared about me. The last 4 months were of nothing but me wanting him to show that he loves me but him doing it only when I asked him to. But the more he backs away the more I wanted him back. Adding on to other things that were happening between us two that made me all the more irratable. He no longer wanted to do anything for me. He no longer made plans. But still he said he loved me. So I kept loving him...depending on him. I kept searching for the signs that he still cared. and whenever he does I would yell at him... the way that my parents yelled at each other. But I never did it out of meaness, I just wanted to know why he no longer cared. I guess I just didn't understand how to love someone the right way.
In a way I broke my own heart.
A little bit after our anniversary, drama started. He began hanging out a lot with this other girl who was having problems with her boyfriend. they smoked pot together.
I was angry, because we both knew smoking weed was againist our beliefs. So I went to talk to the girl and no longer involving him in any more weed parties. I was respecful as I have been taught to be and how I've always been. But the girl went and told him that I made a big scene and was being a bitch towards her. He got really angry with me for it, and no matter how much I told him I didn't disrepectful her and everyone can wittness to that, he wouldn't believe me. at that time i didnt think much of it because i trusted him.
Her and my ex's sister also planned operation break up me and my ex.
trying to save our relationship I called his sister to apologize, i didnt even know what for but I knew we couldn't be togther unless his sister was no longer mad at me.
fine...he broke up with me....over the phone....on a saturday night. Just to find out 2 weeks later him and the new girl are together. go figure right?
No...my agony didn't end there.
The new girl proceeded to complain about me to every single person who has ever came in contact with me. about how I need to get over it. about how I need to move on with my life. how i was weak and pathetic. about how I was "following them" because I'm around too ofte. well, I'm sorry that we have the same classes.
about how she felt sorry for me because he told her I lived "in a bad family environment"
she talked about how he said she was so much nicer than me. talked about my breakup story to everybody in the world because "people were looking at her like a bad person because they went out so soon after we broke up"
once again my volnurability and weakness and heart break was open for the world to discuss. point fingers, make judgement calls. and all of a sudden my family secrets kept were revealed to the entire world to discuss.
I can't even tell you how absolutely hurt I was. I've been hurt a lot in my life. I've been molested, abandoned, abused. But no hurt, nothing hurt me as deep as my ex did. My dream was completely crushed. Guess my prince changed his mind. This pain , the ache is eating me from the inside out even to this very day....as I see them kiss and cuddle everyday in class. I even hear about their sex life and their prom plans because...just so happens...his gf likes to talk about alot, everyday, all the time.
I regret the mistakes I've made and I would give my life to be able to go back and change things. To have treated the situation better. but i can't. and it hurts.
I don't think I want to be in another relationship. I can't trust myself. What if I become like my parents??? I have so much love to give but I was never taught how to love. I find myself incapable of opening up and expressing emotions now. Everything is all bottled up and drowned out in school work again. Maybe one day a guy will be patient and love me enough to catch me when I fall. But probably not.
