ginz16 says,
My boyfriend and I dated for three months, which admittedly felt like a lot more at the time, so maybe we did take it too far....I don't know. Anyway, I am 14 (a freshman in high school) and he is 18 (a senior in high school). It sounds like a bigger age gap than it really is...I am only 14 but I believe that as long as you are right for each other, this doesn't matter. Apparently, the state government does not share this opinion. We were caught engaging in sexual activity (we did NOT have sex, nor did we plan on it) by a police officer. We were in his car. We were then taken to a police station with my parents and from then on, we were not allowed to date. We were not even allowed to speak to each other. I did speak to him on several occasions however, only once or twice in person. He was put on twelve month probation as well. His life was at risk, what was he supposed to do? He knows exactly what he wants to be, what he wants to do with his life. His admittance to his dream college would be revoked and he would never get to become a teacher (his dream) if someone saw the words "indecent sexual acts with a minor" on his record.
So I understand why he acted the way he did. I really do. He sincerely tried to stay away from and get over me. He told me once when we spoke over facebook chat that it hurt him to lose the person who taught him how to love and who taught him compassion.
Me. He always said that I taught him how to love. It was only three months, but it was enough. One month barely went by and we were already head over heels. Maybe three months really isn't enough time to really know someone. But we watched each other's every tendency with fascination. He tends to look at things from a realistic angle due to his history of family abuse, while I tend to think more romantically. I was the balance to his complete reliance on fact, as he was the balance to my weakness when it comes to love.
However, I know today that it was taken away for a reason.
Lately, things have been a bit odd. He's started to really move on. It has been two months and two days since that night. And, like I said, he tends to think in a less romantic way than I do. He is more realistic due to growing up in a home as abusive as his was.
Anyway, he has definitely moved on. I am happy for him...but I can't help thinking it is a shame. I can't help hurting over it a little.
I found out a few weeks ago that he has been spreading around that I am stalking him....I am not sure whether it is to make himself feel more important, to help himself get over it (which i guess was a pretty effective method), or because he really thinks that. Well, I'm not...so I think it's the second option. However, I'm going to keep telling myself that it is either the first or the third. Thinking of him as a terrible person is probably what's right for me. Otherwise, I'm still going to love him in five years.
I found out the other day from my friend that he has a girlfriend now. She broke up with him last year, the day before valentine's day. This year, the day before valentine's day, keeping this in mind, I tried to reassure him about it, sure he was thinking about it...I think she was the first girl who was really important to him before me. And now they're together again.
Only a month or so after that night.
Which leads me to several questions....did he ever really love me? did he lie to me about being the one to teach him how to love? does he hate me now?
It just makes me sick that you can be so in love with someone, so dependant on them, and a few months later just not care....
It makes me sick that he might have lied to me about everything.
Maybe every single word out of his mouth was a lie...I remember every single thing he said to me. I remember every detail about himself he shared with me. And now, he is not acting like that person at all. Was I in love with who he was pretending to be? Or is the real him still in there?
I don't know the answer to anything anymore. All I know is that three and a half months ago, I laid on this very bed with him, promising each other that we would never regret being in each others' lives.
I'm not sure whether he lied. I'm not even sure if I lied. All I know is that at the time, neither of us were lying. Now I'm not sure.
And he tried to make sure that no one told me about his new girlfriend. Apparently, everyone knew but me. Everyone says that I should already be over it, that I should move on already because it is just becoming sad. Everyone looks down on me. I have to keep pushing my thoughts down, afraid to let everyone down. In truth, I'm not that strong. Like I said, I tend to think romantically. All of my friends-hell, even people I barely know that are just involved with our group of friends- think that I am being pathetic and stalking him and I should be over it already. I think that they should put themselves in my shoes, try being loved and loving beyond what 14 year olds can usually do, beyond what many adults can do, and then tell me that I should be over it.
I lost my ability to trust over this. He was the only person I ever really showed 50% of my true self to. The more crazy I let out, the better I felt. I slowly eased into it. I wanted to trust. And I wanted to trust HIM. I have never trusted a person more, not even myself...and now he hates me. This leads me to the conclusion that the more people know me, the less likely it is that they will stay with me. The more people know me, the more likely it is that they will abandon me.
How do you trust after that? How do you love after that?
Sorry if this was way too long a post, I just had to get it out. Botting it up is unhealthy. But if I tell any one of my friends, or just anyone in general, they will think that I am weak. I want everyone to know how strong I am. I want everyone to be proud of me. I can't let them know how I am really feeling, or they will just shake their heads at me judgmentally. My friends are all I have since I can't afford to rely on my family anymore. They are the real source of my trust issues, and I can't rely on them for anything. I've recently distanced myself from them (this school year especially) because I do not believe that I deserve to be hurt as much as they hurt me for the first 13 years of my life. My friends are my life. Without my friends, I am nothing. I am alone. Especially now that he's as good as dead to me.
So I understand why he acted the way he did. I really do. He sincerely tried to stay away from and get over me. He told me once when we spoke over facebook chat that it hurt him to lose the person who taught him how to love and who taught him compassion.
Me. He always said that I taught him how to love. It was only three months, but it was enough. One month barely went by and we were already head over heels. Maybe three months really isn't enough time to really know someone. But we watched each other's every tendency with fascination. He tends to look at things from a realistic angle due to his history of family abuse, while I tend to think more romantically. I was the balance to his complete reliance on fact, as he was the balance to my weakness when it comes to love.
However, I know today that it was taken away for a reason.
Lately, things have been a bit odd. He's started to really move on. It has been two months and two days since that night. And, like I said, he tends to think in a less romantic way than I do. He is more realistic due to growing up in a home as abusive as his was.
Anyway, he has definitely moved on. I am happy for him...but I can't help thinking it is a shame. I can't help hurting over it a little.
I found out a few weeks ago that he has been spreading around that I am stalking him....I am not sure whether it is to make himself feel more important, to help himself get over it (which i guess was a pretty effective method), or because he really thinks that. Well, I'm not...so I think it's the second option. However, I'm going to keep telling myself that it is either the first or the third. Thinking of him as a terrible person is probably what's right for me. Otherwise, I'm still going to love him in five years.
I found out the other day from my friend that he has a girlfriend now. She broke up with him last year, the day before valentine's day. This year, the day before valentine's day, keeping this in mind, I tried to reassure him about it, sure he was thinking about it...I think she was the first girl who was really important to him before me. And now they're together again.
Only a month or so after that night.
Which leads me to several questions....did he ever really love me? did he lie to me about being the one to teach him how to love? does he hate me now?
It just makes me sick that you can be so in love with someone, so dependant on them, and a few months later just not care....
It makes me sick that he might have lied to me about everything.
Maybe every single word out of his mouth was a lie...I remember every single thing he said to me. I remember every detail about himself he shared with me. And now, he is not acting like that person at all. Was I in love with who he was pretending to be? Or is the real him still in there?
I don't know the answer to anything anymore. All I know is that three and a half months ago, I laid on this very bed with him, promising each other that we would never regret being in each others' lives.
I'm not sure whether he lied. I'm not even sure if I lied. All I know is that at the time, neither of us were lying. Now I'm not sure.
And he tried to make sure that no one told me about his new girlfriend. Apparently, everyone knew but me. Everyone says that I should already be over it, that I should move on already because it is just becoming sad. Everyone looks down on me. I have to keep pushing my thoughts down, afraid to let everyone down. In truth, I'm not that strong. Like I said, I tend to think romantically. All of my friends-hell, even people I barely know that are just involved with our group of friends- think that I am being pathetic and stalking him and I should be over it already. I think that they should put themselves in my shoes, try being loved and loving beyond what 14 year olds can usually do, beyond what many adults can do, and then tell me that I should be over it.
I lost my ability to trust over this. He was the only person I ever really showed 50% of my true self to. The more crazy I let out, the better I felt. I slowly eased into it. I wanted to trust. And I wanted to trust HIM. I have never trusted a person more, not even myself...and now he hates me. This leads me to the conclusion that the more people know me, the less likely it is that they will stay with me. The more people know me, the more likely it is that they will abandon me.
How do you trust after that? How do you love after that?
Sorry if this was way too long a post, I just had to get it out. Botting it up is unhealthy. But if I tell any one of my friends, or just anyone in general, they will think that I am weak. I want everyone to know how strong I am. I want everyone to be proud of me. I can't let them know how I am really feeling, or they will just shake their heads at me judgmentally. My friends are all I have since I can't afford to rely on my family anymore. They are the real source of my trust issues, and I can't rely on them for anything. I've recently distanced myself from them (this school year especially) because I do not believe that I deserve to be hurt as much as they hurt me for the first 13 years of my life. My friends are my life. Without my friends, I am nothing. I am alone. Especially now that he's as good as dead to me.
